sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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