ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
