if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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