Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
