he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
