He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
