i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
