i would punch a child for taco bell
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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