I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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