And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
