I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize