So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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