God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
