You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
