I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
