So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
