i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
people are starting to question the shark bite story
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
