By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
