Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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