you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
