no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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