I could make wine with my vomit
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
