Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
