I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
