Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
