God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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