I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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