Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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