Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
it's like iHOP with fire
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
