he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dude i'm inner monologue high
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
