I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
