I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
