I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he thought i was a dude.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
