its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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