there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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