You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
