Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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