You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
