I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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