made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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