I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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