we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
