I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
