so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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