It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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