Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize