So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the condom got lost in my hair
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
