What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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