Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
