I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
