i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
