between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
