Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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